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I wonder if anyone has ever read this, seen the wisdom of it and decided not to join. "I'm witty, charming, handsome and modest, and I'm kind to animals," I write, hoping this description will have a fairly broad appeal, and also include a recent photograph.

It may sound like an unpleasant niche website for a handful of amoral people to whom wedding vows never meant very much.

Our relationship, I note, has suffered because we don't spend enough time together (not surprising really, since she doesn't exist).

After a quick search, I get the measure of the women on the site.

She has declined to tell me her name, so I have to think of her as her web sobriquet.

This is how I find myself waiting for "Sophia Loren".

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